Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Foods I Hate That You Love: Deep Dish Pizza

Having friends visit me in Chicago is normally a joyous occasion. We talk, we drink, we party. There are, however, two unavoidables that I dread with each visit: A trip to that fucking metal, bean-looking statue, and deep dish pizza. The bean itself doesn't warrant its own post, I mean, it looks like a giant robot took a shiny SHIT in the park and everybody just gathers to coo at it. Then we all take hilariously disproportionate pictures and post them on Facebook. The Chicago Bean Arch is the fat, younger brother of the St. Louis Gateway Arch and all it does is hang out at skateparks and get fuckin' BLAZED on sticky.

"Whoa brah, you guys wanna like...hahaha?"

Now, on to the main offender. Deep Dish Pizza is aptly named because it is a Deep Ol' Dish of Shit. Let's begin:

1) Fuck This Crust.
Deep Dish Pizza (D.D.P.) crust tastes like a Lincoln Log dusted in cornmeal. I have not had food this dry and tasteless since I was a SLAVE on a pre-Civil War plantation. It is also like 30% of the pizza. The last time I checked, people eat pizza because they want to taste cheese, sauce, and toppings not to fuck around with an entire MERIDIAN of thick, crumbly dogshit. When I eat this crust I feel like I'm in a post-apocalyptic future where I must eat dehydrated rations to survive. Cooking fires are not allowed because they would attract the cannibals. Even then I would still risk it were I not caring for my boy. The only child left in this bleak, culinary wasteland...
Shit, I mean, take a mental trip back to college. Look down on the floor and pick up the pizza box. I'm sure there's one lying around. Open it and what do you see? That's right, all the Gee-Damn crusts that your roommates didn't eat so they could save room for the GOOD FUCKING parts of the pizza. So why, oh why, would you fashion a pizza that has EVEN MORE FUCKING CRUST!?

"But Daddy, it's so DRY...."
"I know son....I know."

2)An Unwelcome Guest
Allow me to take you on a flavor tour of D.D.P. First, your Pizza comes (after an extra 45 minutes of waiting) and it smells sexy. Your waiter graciously plates it for you and you take a bite. All is well; peppers, sausage, cheese and breading. Everything is in order. You continue to chew. Slowly the cheese starts mushing and begins to sluice into your gullet. The toppings follow. At this point you start to notice something. The breading is still there. Why? Ugh this is terrible. It'll be another few moments before you realize that IT'S NEVER GOING AWAY.

Ordering a Deep Dish is like trying to set up an orgy. Sauce, Cheese, and Toppings are "chix" that you totally want to "bag" with your "penis." So you hit up their cell to come party but you TOTALLY notice that they brought their annoying roommate, Breading. You're like "Whatevs I'll just ignore it" and u start makin' out with Sauce and Cheese starts nibbling on your neck while Toppings is undoing your belt buckle. Shit is about to get BANGARANG up in here. As you start to think about how fuckin' jealous your high school girlfriend would be you get a sandy, crumbly feeling around your sensitives and you're like, "Hey Toppings, don't get too roug...Oh FucK!" cuz you see Breading has started goin' downtown you don't want to say anything cause this is a really delicate situation that has taken weeks of fucking planning bro! Slowly the other girls start makin out with each other and now the three of them are just like totally goin to town and touchin' up on each other on the sofa but you're stuck over here gettin' totally knobbled by Breading. I-mean-whatever-just-go-with-it-man-this-is-still-epic!

Fuck you Chicago, this is a fucking pizza.


  1. If you'd ever bother to visit my city, you could enjoy comestibles from the New York thin crust school of thought. And here, it's the affordable food. Do they charge a lot for the D.D. stuff in Chicago?

  2. I adore thin crust pizza. It gets in your mouth, does its business and gets out. Like me. WAK WAKA!

  3. Oh, that metal bean , how I miss thee. Hahah.