Sunday, December 21, 2008

Movies I Hate That You Love: Pixar's Cars

I have long considered Pixar movies the new classics of Disney. One day, faaar into the future, we will have grandkids and they will ask us to "beam" them the Disney classic "Cars" before we usher them into cryo-sleep. I will smile and fondly remember the first time I watched "Toy Story" and how jealous I was that even a fucking cowboy doll could have friends and I couldn't. Then, as I lay in my space-tomb, I will wonder how my whole life passed me by and I will wish I had the balls to actually tell someone I loved them. Then I will die. Then, upon my first re-animation, I will rip out "Cars" because this movie sucks tronic-dick.

One Day The Phrase 'Sexual Predator' Will Be A Compliment.

Pixar's Cars sucks on the bulging, pointed teet of boring, hack garbage. Normally I would put a spoiler warning but I actually HOPE I ruin this cum of a movie so nobody has to see it.

1) How did you manage to be so FUCKING BORING?
This is the crux of my anger. I basically PAID Pixar to waste 2 hours of my life. As the credits rolled I could barely remember that I had even WATCHED a movie. It was kind of like a rape. During the incident, your mind explodes with fear and dread but immediately after it's all you can do to call the cops. You don't remember any of it. You're just in shock. This is bad because you could possibly trick me into watching this movie again. Like Lewis Black with candy corn, I can imagine myself year after year going, "Hey! Cars! I've never seen THIS before." Who knows, maybe this is like the 5th time I've already watched this trash.

"I Present, Pixar's 'Cars'."

2)Fuck your stereotypes.
There is a character in this movie named Ramone. He is a gaudy purple Impala low-rider with flames on the sides and hydraulics. His grill is in the shape of a pointy-moustache and he is voiced by Cheech Marin. He is the definition of a "vato." The first time I laid eyes on Ramone, I thought, "Wow. Bold move Pixar. Let's see where you go with this." I'll tell you where they went, stereotype hell. Also in this movie are a pair of apologetic Italians that look like Fredo from the Godfather, and "Tow-Mater" a rusty, hillbilly tow truck that likes fart jokes who is voiced by Larry the Cable Guy. Seriously Pixar? It's difficult for me to enjoy a movie when one of the stars is a bigot who doesn't even believe any of the crap he spews but just does it as an act. You know who this movie was missing? Pat Robertson.

This is Chang the V-Tec Ricer, voiced by Chang and the V-Tecs. They did not make the final cut

I could go on forever. This movie is preachy and tells everyone that living in big cities means you are an asshole and only salt-of-the-earth good ol' boys had it right. This movie has an insatiable blue-veined boner for a nostalgic 1950's that never existed. You know who else wishes they could turn back time? Native Americans. Make a movie about that, fuckers. This move was so shit that I had to watch the 1974 classic "Death Wish" to salvage my night.

The 1974 classic starring Jeff Goldblum as a rapist. Charles Bronson is also in it.

1 comment:

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