Monday, December 15, 2008

People I Hate That You Love: Bradley in Accounting

I am in complete HATE with Bradley in Accounting. I don't even know his last name. All I know is this percolating HATE that sits in my gut. I hate him all the more because everyone else in the office seems to fucking LOVE him though for the life of me I do not understand why. Everywhere he goes he leaves a trail of giggles and candy wrappers because he is fat and looks like Dirk Diggler if Dirk Diggler were made of shit.

Here's what's wrong with this fucker:

1) His Shits Are Epic

Every time I enter the bathroom I know if Bradley is in there because everyone elses' eyebrows are steeply pointed up and they are making faces that say, "Are you serious?" The only correct response to the smell is to take the Lord's name in vain. I mean goddammit Bradley, must you OBLITERATE every toilet you use? Your farts have transcended mere gases and are approaching HUMAN EMOTIONS; your farts are PERSONAL VENDETTAS. Upon entering one of Bradley's former stalls you will think you just walked through a portal into a GODDAMN bayou. This is AFTER flushing, as if it were evidence of some evil crime, refusing to vanish. I don't care what diet you have to change to BRADLEY but fucking handle your business.

Add Bits Of Corn To This Photo And You're On The Right Track

2) He Is So Hard Up For Pussy

Bradley has two jobs. One is in accounting at a large Chicago-based corporation. The second is getting it on with anything female he comes across. He is utter SHITE at his second job. His dick would FIRE him if it could afford to hire anyone else. Sitting here I feel like I'm waiting in line at a Gamestop and the only cashier is female. Watching him game on girls is like watching yourself in 10th grade. I have never seen anyone be in the friendzone deeper than he is. Hey Bradley, here's a sign you should stop: you start conversations by asking how their BOYFRIENDS/HUSBANDS are doing. Game over clown, no girl has EVER fucked a dude after finishing a conversation about how she went to a great wine and cheese party with her boyfriend of three years. Jesus fucking SHIT.

"Why yes, I WOULD like to reserve anythingyouwantmeto."

3) You do theater, I GET IT.

Holy shit Bradley, why don't you regale us some more about rehearsals and shows that you're in. Remember how I said I can't imagine a reason why people here love him? I lied. This is why. He goes on and on about plays and productions and how hard his rehearsal schedule is thus creating some air of fame and glamor around himself. I can't even imagine what production he would be in, Richard The Third can only play so many times a year.

In summary, this is the kind of person who is still using social tricks that he picked up in college. Ladies, remember that one party where you got so wasted and passed out but woke up when someone was trying to kiss you? That was THIS FUCKING GUY. Oh Bradley I HATE you. I hate you so so much.

This guy is an ANIMAL on the John.


  1. Double D, I think I may be in love with you. Please never ever let this blog die. Please continue to quench my heart with laughter and warmth through your vehement distaste for things.

    If you abandon this project, I will make it my personal duty to fuck Bradley so hard and often that his farts will scream my name.

    You have been warned.

    - Chris

  2. This is a side of myself I've tried to hide from you Chris.

  3. I added you in my link bar. If you want this to be anonymous, I'll move you down to the Dig These portion.

    David Dong humor has been missing as a regular staple in my life since my freshman year of college (I was able to enjoy your humor after that, but only sporadically). Thank you for what will prove to be a morphine drip of relief in the painful ennui that is my 9-5.