Monday, August 31, 2009

People I Hate That You Love: Your Significant Other

I’m currently in Florida and this place is hot as shit. The only thing I like about Florida are my parents and the bustling mini-golf scene. Big golf is gay but mini golf is genius. I feel like Godzilla lazing about on a Sunday. I don’t even feel like breaking anything I just wanna hang out, play a game, and be huge.

So here I am, gigantic, leaning against a windmill which surely grinds wheat for some miniature farmers who use it to bake even TINIER loaves of bread, when my golf partner, Craig, finally shows up except with a girl in tow. It’s his new girlfriend.

Fuck you Craig.

I want to add that I have nothing against serious relationships nor the people who choose to have them but know that when you let this person intrude in YOUR life you are also doing three things to the rest of us.

1) You +1.

First of all you are essentially adding one to our party no matter what we do. Have you ever tried getting four people to agree on where to eat? Jesus. Suddenly nobody has an opinion anymore. “I’m whatever. I’ll eat anything.” Now you’ve added to that problem.

Not to mention that when she DOES want to go eat it’s somewhere expensive and shitty but I can’t veto it cause everything she wants she gets. You’ve essentially brought along someone from Make-A-Wish.

I can’t ask you to come alone without sounding like I’m about to reveal that I’m gay. I’m not, I just want to hang out with my friend without also be forced to entertain where he rests his cock at night.

"In this photo, Nikki Sixx offers this smiling cancer kid to the devil."

2) Be yourself? Wrong.

Three words I would use to describe myself are Selfish, Crass, and Arrogant. I LOVE being those things. When I was a kid I dreamed of being a big, mean shit-head while other kids dreamed of being astronauts or joining the Dino-riders.

However when you bring your girlfriend/boyfriend around I suddenly have to be super-nice and understanding and shit. I don’t even KNOW what it means to be those things so I just pretend I am the dad from Full House.

I want to, so very badly, make fun of your girlfriend for asking questions in movies and for being bad at basketball but I can’t. Instead I have to just grin and bear the fact I handed her a SWEET fast break and she couldn't even make a lay-up. Fucking bring your A game girl!

Not to mention that you hover around her like some stoic guardian giving me your poo-poo face whenever I smash her at a round of Call of Duty. NIGGA I PLAY TO WIN!

"The kids who dreamed of being Dino-Riders were clearly the smart ones."

3) Don't keep stuff at her place.

Inevitably you two will break up and the only one surprised by it will be you. Now, I'm not heartless. I will sympathize with you but probably not with intensity you think your situation deserves. I see you and I think, "Oh, that's too bad." in the same tone of voice I use when I see a dog try to hump another dog and gets shaken off by its owner.

In closing, if you must have a girlfriend, please make sure to get a cool one. Your friends will appreciate it.

"This is, unfortunately, what all cool girlfriends look like so...there is a trade-off."

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Monsters You Hate That I Love: Hitler

Godwin's law posits that the longer a discussion continues, the probability of a Hitler mention or comparison increases. Today my friends, this post will make Godwin's boner stand up and salute a flag.

I exhalt Hitler not in agreement with his actions or beliefs, but in the sheer fucking BALLS it took to wade into super-villainy of that level. It's as if God tried his hand at writing a comic book, and it turns out God is a terrible fucking writer. No motivation, simple rule-the-world mentality and his moustache is even the wrong kind (Untwirlable). A struggling artist, who suffered abuse as a child, realizes that he has cool mutant powers and gathers soldiers, weapons and money and finally launches a coup against the government. Only the combined forces of Spider-Man and Batman can stop him. Sounds like pulp-bullshit right? Now replace the last sentence with "Enacts a massive genocide" and you've got the basics of Hitler's life. God should've read Watchmen first.

God's other work includes Transformers, Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, and Halle Berry's frog joke from X-Men 1

Congratulations to Hitler for making the Toothbrush Mustache a look that is social suicide for ages to come. You join the ranks of bald-headed Britney Spears and shiny-gloved Michael Jackson. I love how a Hitler Mustache makes your face look like a sideways vagina. (Hey fellow males! Try giving yourself a REVERSE Hitler. I've always wondered what that would look like. So common, be a man!) Extra kudos to Hitler for single-handedly making two entire names completely unviable for practical use. Nobody in their right FUCKING mind today can name their kid Adolf and I'll bet there were alot of requests to change last names around the 50's. ("It's pronounced Hit-LEER.") Though the one positive is that SHOULD you embark on naming your kid Hitler, this child can NEVER become a facist dictator sheerly because of how fucking ridiculous anyone would feel following ANOTHER bat-shit loon named Hitler. This is all coming from a man who's last name is Dong. I know goofy last names and trust me, the only thing worse than being named David Hitler would be if my folks named me David Fucking AIDS.

Face Pussay! Gimme that sweet, that nast, that gushy stuff!

In closing, I would like to note that Hitler's original goal was to be a painter and only turned to bloody facism because he couldn't get accepted into the elitist German art community. It is also said that Fidel Castro originally wanted to play baseball but turned to terrible violence because he couldn't get accepted in the elistist world of Major League Baseball. Perhaps what we need is a system that gives everyone everything they want at all times, for fear of what they might end up becoming. I'm an artist too and I can sympathize with how tough being a mediocre artist can be. Perhaps I'll round some friends up and....hmmm...

Just kidding fuckers, I'm an amazing artist

Thursday, January 15, 2009

People I Love That You Hate: My Dad

Despite sounding like an elementary school paper, I am proud to say that there are few people in the world I respect or idolize more than my Dad. He is a fucking rock star in the pantheon of dads. Here is the short list of my dad's accomplishments:
He never calls me unless it's to remind me to buy winter boots cause he knows I'm a weakling.
He BUILT the house I grew up in, BY HIMSELF.
He is seriously always right.
He only ever smiles to pacify you white devils. It is seriously the most fake smile I've ever seen.
He refuses to call Charles Barkley by that name, instead re-naming him "Charles Broccoli."
He was in the army, but hates guns; you just KNOW some Punisher type shit went down with him!
However if you were to ever meet my dad you would undoubtedly hate him. If he has nothing to say to you he will not speak with you. He walks around in his underwear at night whether I have a girl over or not. He is a vegetarian like most of you pansies but don't get it twisted, he still cooks meat just so he can remember what killing feels like.

This is the FBI file photo of my dad. He is the gun.

Other reasons you would hate my dad:

1)He loves haggling prices.
Few things can give my dad a hard-on like mentally DOMINATING someone. Such is the art of haggling, an art many of us don't have the stomach for. Trying to sell this computer for $950? Please. My dad has the power to make others feel so worthless that you're willing to sell anything for any price just to be like, "See! I'm cool."
My dad wont even buy CORN for full price. CORN!? .32c-per-pound CORN! He will drive all the way to the flea market JUST TO HAGGLE DOWN THE PRICE OF SOME FUCKING CORN!
Clearly it's not about the money (my dad is fucking rich) it's about sending you home with your tail between your legs you capitalist bastards. It's about showing you how full of holes the system is. My dad is probably responsible for the economic collapse and he won't fix a DAMN thing until you show that you've learned your lesson, AMERICA. The free market is my dad's playground and you are the hooker he bangs behind the jungle gym!

This is a statue of my Dad they erected in reverence. He is the Patron Saint of Savings.

2) My Dad is a flawless judge of character.
You would hate my dad because on first viewing he can see the bitch in your eyes. He knows you're pussy. Upon meeting one of the new partners for my mother's company back in Taiwan he immediately told her to pull out of the project. That man eventually swindled all the other partners, as well as killed all panda bears in a 4 mile radius of the city.
When I was a kid I would occassionally get grades under A+ (I was such a fucking idiot...) and when report card time rolled around I would start sweatin bullets. I would try the most elaborate schemes to trick my dad into thinking that I got A's. Never worked. My dad could tell I was getting A-'s as soon as I walked into the door. So much so that he pre-emptively did not make dinner that night, as punishment for my failure.

This panda cried out for my dad to save him, and he whispered, "No."