Thursday, January 15, 2009

People I Love That You Hate: My Dad

Despite sounding like an elementary school paper, I am proud to say that there are few people in the world I respect or idolize more than my Dad. He is a fucking rock star in the pantheon of dads. Here is the short list of my dad's accomplishments:
He never calls me unless it's to remind me to buy winter boots cause he knows I'm a weakling.
He BUILT the house I grew up in, BY HIMSELF.
He is seriously always right.
He only ever smiles to pacify you white devils. It is seriously the most fake smile I've ever seen.
He refuses to call Charles Barkley by that name, instead re-naming him "Charles Broccoli."
He was in the army, but hates guns; you just KNOW some Punisher type shit went down with him!
However if you were to ever meet my dad you would undoubtedly hate him. If he has nothing to say to you he will not speak with you. He walks around in his underwear at night whether I have a girl over or not. He is a vegetarian like most of you pansies but don't get it twisted, he still cooks meat just so he can remember what killing feels like.

This is the FBI file photo of my dad. He is the gun.

Other reasons you would hate my dad:

1)He loves haggling prices.
Few things can give my dad a hard-on like mentally DOMINATING someone. Such is the art of haggling, an art many of us don't have the stomach for. Trying to sell this computer for $950? Please. My dad has the power to make others feel so worthless that you're willing to sell anything for any price just to be like, "See! I'm cool."
My dad wont even buy CORN for full price. CORN!? .32c-per-pound CORN! He will drive all the way to the flea market JUST TO HAGGLE DOWN THE PRICE OF SOME FUCKING CORN!
Clearly it's not about the money (my dad is fucking rich) it's about sending you home with your tail between your legs you capitalist bastards. It's about showing you how full of holes the system is. My dad is probably responsible for the economic collapse and he won't fix a DAMN thing until you show that you've learned your lesson, AMERICA. The free market is my dad's playground and you are the hooker he bangs behind the jungle gym!

This is a statue of my Dad they erected in reverence. He is the Patron Saint of Savings.

2) My Dad is a flawless judge of character.
You would hate my dad because on first viewing he can see the bitch in your eyes. He knows you're pussy. Upon meeting one of the new partners for my mother's company back in Taiwan he immediately told her to pull out of the project. That man eventually swindled all the other partners, as well as killed all panda bears in a 4 mile radius of the city.
When I was a kid I would occassionally get grades under A+ (I was such a fucking idiot...) and when report card time rolled around I would start sweatin bullets. I would try the most elaborate schemes to trick my dad into thinking that I got A's. Never worked. My dad could tell I was getting A-'s as soon as I walked into the door. So much so that he pre-emptively did not make dinner that night, as punishment for my failure.

This panda cried out for my dad to save him, and he whispered, "No."