Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Monsters You Hate That I Love: Hitler

Godwin's law posits that the longer a discussion continues, the probability of a Hitler mention or comparison increases. Today my friends, this post will make Godwin's boner stand up and salute a flag.

I exhalt Hitler not in agreement with his actions or beliefs, but in the sheer fucking BALLS it took to wade into super-villainy of that level. It's as if God tried his hand at writing a comic book, and it turns out God is a terrible fucking writer. No motivation, simple rule-the-world mentality and his moustache is even the wrong kind (Untwirlable). A struggling artist, who suffered abuse as a child, realizes that he has cool mutant powers and gathers soldiers, weapons and money and finally launches a coup against the government. Only the combined forces of Spider-Man and Batman can stop him. Sounds like pulp-bullshit right? Now replace the last sentence with "Enacts a massive genocide" and you've got the basics of Hitler's life. God should've read Watchmen first.

God's other work includes Transformers, Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, and Halle Berry's frog joke from X-Men 1

Congratulations to Hitler for making the Toothbrush Mustache a look that is social suicide for ages to come. You join the ranks of bald-headed Britney Spears and shiny-gloved Michael Jackson. I love how a Hitler Mustache makes your face look like a sideways vagina. (Hey fellow males! Try giving yourself a REVERSE Hitler. I've always wondered what that would look like. So common, be a man!) Extra kudos to Hitler for single-handedly making two entire names completely unviable for practical use. Nobody in their right FUCKING mind today can name their kid Adolf and I'll bet there were alot of requests to change last names around the 50's. ("It's pronounced Hit-LEER.") Though the one positive is that SHOULD you embark on naming your kid Hitler, this child can NEVER become a facist dictator sheerly because of how fucking ridiculous anyone would feel following ANOTHER bat-shit loon named Hitler. This is all coming from a man who's last name is Dong. I know goofy last names and trust me, the only thing worse than being named David Hitler would be if my folks named me David Fucking AIDS.

Face Pussay! Gimme that sweet, that nast, that gushy stuff!

In closing, I would like to note that Hitler's original goal was to be a painter and only turned to bloody facism because he couldn't get accepted into the elitist German art community. It is also said that Fidel Castro originally wanted to play baseball but turned to terrible violence because he couldn't get accepted in the elistist world of Major League Baseball. Perhaps what we need is a system that gives everyone everything they want at all times, for fear of what they might end up becoming. I'm an artist too and I can sympathize with how tough being a mediocre artist can be. Perhaps I'll round some friends up and....hmmm...

Just kidding fuckers, I'm an amazing artist


  1. No one?

  2. I did make a provision for being in their right fucking mind. This kid will never know the taste of cake.