Monday, August 31, 2009

People I Hate That You Love: Your Significant Other

I’m currently in Florida and this place is hot as shit. The only thing I like about Florida are my parents and the bustling mini-golf scene. Big golf is gay but mini golf is genius. I feel like Godzilla lazing about on a Sunday. I don’t even feel like breaking anything I just wanna hang out, play a game, and be huge.

So here I am, gigantic, leaning against a windmill which surely grinds wheat for some miniature farmers who use it to bake even TINIER loaves of bread, when my golf partner, Craig, finally shows up except with a girl in tow. It’s his new girlfriend.

Fuck you Craig.

I want to add that I have nothing against serious relationships nor the people who choose to have them but know that when you let this person intrude in YOUR life you are also doing three things to the rest of us.

1) You +1.

First of all you are essentially adding one to our party no matter what we do. Have you ever tried getting four people to agree on where to eat? Jesus. Suddenly nobody has an opinion anymore. “I’m whatever. I’ll eat anything.” Now you’ve added to that problem.

Not to mention that when she DOES want to go eat it’s somewhere expensive and shitty but I can’t veto it cause everything she wants she gets. You’ve essentially brought along someone from Make-A-Wish.

I can’t ask you to come alone without sounding like I’m about to reveal that I’m gay. I’m not, I just want to hang out with my friend without also be forced to entertain where he rests his cock at night.

"In this photo, Nikki Sixx offers this smiling cancer kid to the devil."

2) Be yourself? Wrong.

Three words I would use to describe myself are Selfish, Crass, and Arrogant. I LOVE being those things. When I was a kid I dreamed of being a big, mean shit-head while other kids dreamed of being astronauts or joining the Dino-riders.

However when you bring your girlfriend/boyfriend around I suddenly have to be super-nice and understanding and shit. I don’t even KNOW what it means to be those things so I just pretend I am the dad from Full House.

I want to, so very badly, make fun of your girlfriend for asking questions in movies and for being bad at basketball but I can’t. Instead I have to just grin and bear the fact I handed her a SWEET fast break and she couldn't even make a lay-up. Fucking bring your A game girl!

Not to mention that you hover around her like some stoic guardian giving me your poo-poo face whenever I smash her at a round of Call of Duty. NIGGA I PLAY TO WIN!

"The kids who dreamed of being Dino-Riders were clearly the smart ones."

3) Don't keep stuff at her place.

Inevitably you two will break up and the only one surprised by it will be you. Now, I'm not heartless. I will sympathize with you but probably not with intensity you think your situation deserves. I see you and I think, "Oh, that's too bad." in the same tone of voice I use when I see a dog try to hump another dog and gets shaken off by its owner.

In closing, if you must have a girlfriend, please make sure to get a cool one. Your friends will appreciate it.

"This is, unfortunately, what all cool girlfriends look like so...there is a trade-off."

1 comment:

  1. Finally.
    Great call on Danny Tanner, btw--I can relate.